Struggling
I am just going to put this out there because I need to say this even if noone sees or reads it.
I know I have followed Gods plan for my life in this season. There is no way I can believe otherwise. I got a 12 month job offer on my own class (something i was begging god for) in an amazing school with a beautiful bunch of kids.
Almost immediately after this i meet visiting pasters to my home church. They just happened to have known they were going to be leading a church that i now regularly attend.
I have been able to find accommodation with a friends mother and bring my dog with me and have the same friend look after my cat.
All of this happened so quickly and knitted in so well that i know it was of gods design and that means i am following his path for my life in this season. And for this i am truly grateful.
However i have a heavy weight on my heart and am struggling. In following gods plan i have moved almost five hours away from most of my family and my friends and over nine hours away from more of my family.
This is just the way it has to be and yet it hurts. I miss my family and friends. It isn’t practical or even possible to see my brother sister in law and their kids on a weekend anymore. And i am growing tired and poor from visiting so often home.
Friends i thought were close barely speak to me anymore and unless i visit home i don’t see them. I am not expecting anyone to drop everything and see me because i know everyone has their own things going on and lives to live. What i am saying is that it hurts that i feel as if i am insignificant and don’t matter anymore. That i am afterthought. Unless i continually make the effort to remain in contact i simply don’t hear from some of my friends. And that hurts.
I don’t want to feel like my friends are punishing me for moving away because i am walking the path god has put before me. And maybe it isn’t that at all. Maybe it is simply that these friends however dear i hold them are just drifting apart because of life and that is how it is meant to be. Some friends are only in your life for a season. I just didn’t think these friends were those.
So as i follow the path god has laid out for me i feel comfort in knowing i am where he wants me to be and yet my heart aches because of the friendships i fear may be coming to an end. And that leaves me lonely and hence my struggle.
The hardest thing ever
On Sunday in church we had an amazing guest speaker whose message was about breaking our personal dams so that Gods everlasting eternal water and the holy spirit can pour out through us and reach others.
The message was impacting however the entire time the message was being shared I was gripped by a paralyzing fear and couldn’t breathe.
For some of you who know my life and testimony you will understand where I am about to go with this.
There is one part of my past that I have tried to give to God and have not been able to. On Sunday the devil used this against me and I was crippled.
I have come a long way and there is still more pain to work through. But I am determined to find a way to give it all to God because the devil has NO right to make me feel or think anything.
I am a new creation because of Jesus and he will always love and never forsake me. The devil has no right to have any power over my life.
My simple prayer and request, that I am finally able to give this one past pain finally and fully to God and move on to fulfill Gods purpose for my life.
God bless. xx
Controversial
I know what I am about to say is considered controversial by many but it is something close to my heart and I feel a strong desire to speak freely.
I don’t want to be misunderstood. I truly do believe everyone is entitled to their opinion but there are some situations where your opinion probably shouldn’t be shared aloud.
I have had my fair share of painful experiences in my life and one in particular, causes me a great deal of pain.
In certain circumstances unless you have personally experienced it for yourself, you cannot fathom how or why someone makes the choices they do and you most certainly have NO right to judge the person for the choices they make.
One such situation is the debate over abortion. I would never say anyone is not entitled to their opinion but it is just that. An opinion.
Unless you have been faced with one of the hardest decisions of your life you have NO right to judge or force your opinions on others. And unless you have been in that situation yourself please be careful what you say and who you say it to. You never know who you might be talking to, what they have experienced and how hard their life or decisions have been.
Above all else, make sure your interactions with others who have or may have experienced pain in their life is from a stance of LOVE. Words have a lasting effect and you could do lasting damage.
